Long-Suffering at 4:30am

It was 4:30am. Time seems to stop in the middle of the night. Everything is quite, peaceful, and dark. Her nerves couldn’t take it anymore. She lay there wrestling with the excitement and hope this would be the day; possibly one of the greatest days of her life. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. She took the test and waited and waited and waited. Why do those darn tests take so long to reveal the results anyhow? Her husband was awake with her, as he was always there for everything. “NOT PREGNANT,” it read…again.

This was me recently for what feels like the millionth time. The struggle of remaining hopeful, but not too hopeful. Be prepared to be excited, but also for the sting of recurring disappointment. Month after month has turned into year after year. How on Earth we’ve made it this far? Jesus. Just like that morning and every other time we’ve felt disappointment, He’s met us there with comfort + peace. When I have to read those words and get that sinking feeling month after month, God meets me there so I don’t actually sink. When I feel like a giant is standing on my chest, God is there to carry the weight. When I can’t find the words to pray, God assures me He understands.

Our infertility journey has turned into ‘long-suffering.’ Long-suffering is having or showing patience in spite of troubles. Isn’t patience just tough, right? I mean, we’re all waiting on something in our lives. Waiting to see if we made a good grade on the exam, waiting on the guy you see everyday between classes to ask you out, waiting on the right guy at the right time to call husband, waiting on all the pieces of your wedding to fall into place beautifully, waiting on the closing of the house you’re ready to call home, waiting on the promotion at the job you’ve worked far too long with no recognition, waiting on your doctor to call with test results, waiting on a miracle baby. Sometimes this waiting turns into long-suffering. Long-suffering is not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel for a very, very long period of time. You’re having to put one foot in front of the other each day out of faith for you’re not sure where you’re headed, but you’re trusting Jesus will lead you in the right direction.

Along with mine and Erik’s wait, my family has been long-suffering with the downhill slope of my grandparents aging. It’s almost unbearable watching someone who took care of you for so long needing you to return the favor. If we’ll be honest with ourselves and others, every one of us are carrying burdens as we walk through some sort of trial. Unfortunately, sin entered this world long ago and wrecked God’s perfect plan for us. Now while here on Earth, we’re in a steady tug-of-war between Satan and God. We all know God wins, but while we’re here Satan will use every opportunity to derail you, corrupt you, and distance you from God. This world is no longer perfect so there will be heartache, disease, sickness, evil, and long-suffering. You see, we are going to endure more than we can handle in this life. This causes us to look for help. This is the place where it’s so easy for the devil to slither in and tempt us with all kinds of enticing “help.” This is where we need to seek Jesus as much and as quickly as possible.

I’ve loved reading, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way, by Lysa Terkeurst where she explains how to handle this well: “God is in overlooked places. We don’t have to find Him. God is not far from us. We just have to make the choice to see Him…I truly believe what keeps us on the path of long-suffering instead of veering off in the dangerous direction of wallowing is to wake up with great expectation of these little reminders of God’s goodness.” It would have been so easy to have a complete meltdown, like a total kicking + sobbing, “I’m done with this, going to go crawl in a hole” meltdown at 4:30am in defeat and let this ruin mine + my husband’s day, week, month {been there, done that}. Long-suffering takes SO much effort mentally to keep going. It’s a daily choice to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Finding the good in each day. Believing there is purpose in your pain.

“If God thought we could handle the promise today, He’d lift us up today. But if we aren’t standing on that firm rock, singing a glorious song, it’s because He loves us too much to lift us up there right now. This process isn’t a cruel way to keep you from the promise; it’s the exact preparation you’ll need to handle the promise” – Lysa Terkeurst. I believe God wants what’s best for us, even if our wants don’t add up to His. You can believe He is a good, good Father and wants the absolute best for His children. You may feel like your long-suffering is a punishment, but it’s far from it. By stepping out in good faith, your long-suffering is growing you tremendously, helping others, and displaying the works of God! How amazing, the God of the universe, would use little ol’ us to display His good works?! After all, that’s why we’re on this Earth…for His goodness and to share His love for us, friends. Don’t get caught up in the selfish realm of making yourself happy no matter the stakes. Stay on the right track.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10). We can rest in the assurance that suffering will end. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. You will have victory over this trial. It may not look exactly like the victory you imagined, but you will make it and it will be good. In the process of long-suffering, God is refining us to be able to handle the rest of our story.

Because there’s more to our story. If you are walking a path of long-suffering, you’re not alone. There are many others walking their own path of suffering. Keep taking those small steps and putting your faith in Christ. In the end, we know He wins and what joy to know we’re on the winning team. Keep trying, keep going, keep sight of the good things, keep your head up, keep smiling. I know we will make it. I know I’ll get my positive sign and you’ll get your victory. We’ve got this, friend!

Love and prayers,


21 Comments on “Long-Suffering at 4:30am

  1. This was beautifully written and so very true. Love you and Erik and praying for you daily.


  2. Beautiful words keep writing and seeking god he will hear and answer your prayers I pray for you both to have peace in the sad times and joy will come in the morning I love you and I have seen what god can do he is great and sees your heart love you both


  3. Fallon, I would move heaven and earth, with His permission,and assistance of course, if there were any way to help you all through this journey. Just want to let you know that I’m always willing to be a shoulder, an ear, a friend who’s been there. Love y’all…


  4. Such wisdom! God will do a good work in you, staying faithful and seeking Him always! ♥️♥️ beautiful transparency

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are so strong and a light to others. God will grant your wishes in His time- all we have to do is hold on! So proud that Erik found you!!


  6. In a frustrating moment of long time struggle, you caused me to reflect back on an 8 year struggle that brought me the baby that I would do anything to be able to relieve her suffering today. Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for sharing your struggle. It helps others. God knows what He is doing. We may not see it at the moment, but our job is to have childlike faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Love and prayers.


  7. Waiting is so hard! Yet, as you said, we are all waiting for something. I am adding you and your husband to my prayer list. God is faithful and always right on time! #itsnotsupposedtobethisway

    Blessings and peace,
    Amy Bruton Strong
    (childhood friend of your Mom’s)


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